If you missed the back story, you can read the whole thing HERE. But to summarize, after 2.5 years of negative pregnancy tests, a miscarriage, and failed fertility treatments, we’re faced with a decision in March 2023. Our clinic is willing to do another round of IUI before moving onto more drastic measures, but I knew that my heart and mental health just needed a break. So we decided to pause for the month of March with no fertility treatments.

By now, I thought I’d be in the thick of sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and newborn snuggles with our due date being almost a week ago, but instead our little one is taking his sweet time joining us here. The nursery is done, everything is sterilized, and the waiting game feels pronounced without the distraction of the holidays and college football. Over the past few days, I’ve felt a shift in needing to find an outlet to focus on, and it’s been on my heart to document this journey for a while. And I guess there’s no time like the final hours, huh?

Ephesians 3:19-20 “May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”

Here it is, my word for the year. I know it’s the cliche Christian girl thing to do, but this is an intention I really need this year.

"IMPOSTER SYNDROME (IS) REFERS TO AN INTERNAL EXPERIENCE OF BELIEVING THAT YOU ARE NOT AS COMPETENT AS OTHERS PERCEIVE YOU TO BE." VERYWELLMIND.COM

Have you ever felt like this? When I first read this definition, it was one of those "punch to the gut" moments, as if whoever wrote this had a window into my head. I became a student pastor in January 2020 and was hired to work under our church's Lead Student Pastor as I led one of our campus student ministries. I had no formal education or experience in ministry, only a deep love for the students of our church and a call from God in my life to enter full-time ministry.

“That’s it, I really can’t do this anymore.”

This is a phrase I have found myself saying multiple times over the past 6 months as I delete all my social media apps off my phone after seeing yet another pregnancy announcement. Some days I cry, other days I’m angry, some days I’m genuinely at peace and excited for the said person on the other end of the adorable Instagram post.

What's something you're good at? Maybe you make people laugh, you have good grades, or you're the best soccer player you know. Maybe you’re a really good friend who people can come to when they’re down or a natural leader in your friend group.

Whatever it is, do you believe God can use that gift to make an impact?

What’s something you’re afraid of? If you were to ask me this, I would probably say spiders, heights, scary movies. Something that I don’t think would be on my list is rain. But I lived in Texas for 5 years for college, and when I moved there, I realized that quite a few of my friends were nervous about driving in the rain. If you’re like me, and grew up in Oregon, you probably think this is kind of weird. I grew up driving in rain all the time because it rains in Oregon - all the time.

What’s a stumbling block for us as Christians when we have conversations with others? I think there’s lots of answers, but one that seems pretty common is the need to be right. Especially on social media, everywhere you turn it seems like there’s a debate going on about something. So what are we supposed to do when we come across these debates?

One of my favorite things to do when I'm in the car is to shuffle the curated Apple Music worship playlists. I'm someone who connects to God very clearly through worship, and with 2020 having very little in-person worship, I've found myself in my car in tears listening to worship more than normal (don't get me wrong - it happened before 2020, but this year just more than normal).