Word for the Year - 2021
One of my favorite things to do when I'm in the car is to shuffle the curated Apple Music worship playlists. I'm someone who connects to God very clearly through worship, and with 2020 having very little in-person worship, I've found myself in my car in tears listening to worship more than normal (don't get me wrong - it happened before 2020, but this year just more than normal).
The other day, the song "Unraveled" by Cody Asbury came on, and it put words to what 2020 has done for me and my spiritual life. Here are the lyrics that stood out to me:
In the unraveling, Father unravel me / When I can't feel a thing / Have mercy on my and let me bleed.
I'm coming apart at the seams / It's worse than I thought it would be / But I've never been happier
Going into 2020, I thought I knew what it meant to fully trust God. Starting my pastoral job at our church was the scariest thing I had ever done, and I thought it couldn't get worse than that feeling of fear, right?
Wrong.
So many things unraveled for me this last year: friendships, expectations of what my job would look like, church leadership, marriage stress because of Spencer's job, and the list goes on. If I'm honest with myself, when I felt these things unraveling, my prayer was not for God to unravel me. It was for Him to put everything back the way it was. And honestly, there are days I wish everything would go back to the way it was 12 months ago.
As I spent time reflecting on 2020 and looking ahead to 2021, I didn't think I would choose a "word for the year." But in the weeks since hearing that song, it's been something I can't shake. I have this feeling that my unraveling isn't going to end when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st. I think God has more in store this year, and it's equal parts exciting and terrifying.
If it were solely about my comfort, I would never choose to walk through the pain of this past year again. But here's the thing, from that pain came growth and refinement that I could never have dreamed of.
I lost friendships this year but also gained the truest form of Christ-centered community I have ever experienced. I've reconnected with old friends in a deeper way than I ever expected and recognized the toxic role I've played in past relationships. Without the pain of loss and change, I wouldn't have been forced to confront my unhealthy tendencies in friendships and could have missed out on the community I now have.
Our department structure has changed, and even though it's scary, it's pushing me to grow in my leadership and step into using the gifts God has given me to the fullest. I'm discovering strengths and weaknesses I didn't know I had and experiencing confidence that can only come from Him.
So here I am. Feeling like in a lot of ways, my world unraveled around me this past year. And now, I'm waiting in expectation for God to continue to unravel the things in my heart that are holding me back from truly experiencing Him.
"What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?" - Romans 8:31-32 NLT