Dream

Ephesians 3:19-20 “May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”

Here it is, my word for the year. I know it’s the cliche Christian girl thing to do, but this is an intention I really need this year.

Covid hit our house for the second time this past week. Luckily both mine and Spencer’s symptoms were much milder this time around, but the isolation has still felt just as… well, isolating. It’s given me lots of time to think and process what this next year will hold for me, our family, our church, and our ministry. It’s also given me time to watch the entirety of a Netflix show and multiple seasons of Great British Bake Off, but I’m just getting off-topic here.

These past 2 years have been completely full of one stress after another. I jumped into a new job, only to have the rug ripped out from under me in basically every possible way. Spencer finally got to realize his dream of opening his own insurance office which was awesome but also super overwhelming at times. We lost friends we loved deeply, my family moved across the country, we got Covid twice, are walking through unexplained infertility, and I could go on. Now, I’m not writing this as a pity party. I know there are so many people who have huge pressing problems. But these mountains we’ve faced have seemed impossible to us, and have caused me to push a lot of things to the side mentally in order to just put one foot in front of the other.

Now that the dust is somewhat settling, I’ve realized that in an attempt to be okay these past 2 years, I have stopped dreaming. I have been so focused on being in control of the little I had control over, that I don’t know how to have hope. I find myself writing things and people off so quickly, giving up when another mountain starts popping up, out of pure exhaustion.

Back in October, I went to Colorado with a group of other youth pastors, and in one of our small group discussions, we talked about vulnerability. Vulnerability is where you are allowing yourself to be wounded, it’s putting yourself out there 100%, knowing that it might not work out the way you want it to. It’s scary to be vulnerable, and for me - especially with God.

I hate being disappointed, which is why it’s hard for me to be vulnerable with God. What if I believe 100% for something, if I pray big prayers with all the confidence I can muster, and it doesn’t work out? If I’m being honest - I’ve never done that. I’ve never been one for big dreams or big prayers. I’m more of a play it safe kind of girl. But this year, I feel God moving in my heart. Asking me to trust Him in ways I never have before. Which after these last 2 years, scares me a lot. What else could he possibly ask of me?

I don’t know, I guess I’ll just have to dream.